Tag Archives: life

Newborns are a Full-time Job.


Having a child is hard and amazing work.  Everyone says it will get better.  I know it will.  But, right now it’s one big guessing game.  

You don’t know what’s wrong with the kid or what tomorrow will bring.  Will you sleep tonight?  Will she spit up all over you?  In your mouth?  Twice?  Three times?  Will she projectile poop on you, right as you finish changing her diaper?  No one really knows!  But, It’s really the best guessing game I’ve ever played in my life.  She’s the cutest person in the universe. We made a person…a person that we’ll love no matter how much they can suck sometimes.  Rilyn sucks at night, haha.  For now anyway.  That’s another thing about it.  It can all change over night.   Every day is different.  

I sat on the floor holding my child at 2:30 this morning, crying because, I was so tired.  When she started crying in my arms, all I could do is look at her and say, “tell me about it”.  


I sat on the floor holding my child at 2:30 this morning, crying because, I was so tired.  When she started crying in my arms, all I could do is look at her and say, “tell me about it”.  I had tried EVERYTHING.  She wasn’t hungry, there was no gas.  I honestly still have no clue what was wrong.  She sure didn’t want to go to sleep though.  I feel like she hates me at night right now.  However, regardless of how terrible the previous night was..everyday I’m like “omg! I love you, you’re so cute!” 

Having a child, man..it’s hard & dirty.  They always want to be held and they get heavier by the day.  You no longer get grossed out because, it can be the grossest thing ever, daily.  It’s tiring and it can be frustrating….but, it’s SO fulfilling. All it takes is one cute little grunt, a tuck on your shirt collar, or one involuntary smile…and it’s like all the other stuff fades away.  I can’t even imagine how joyful I’ll feel when she smiles on purpose one day…one day soon.  
Being a parent is life.  It’s amazing.  

Happy Birthday To Me


This year, for my birthday, I will not be dressing all cute, meeting up with a bunch of friends to go out and party, or doing anything that most people would consider ‘fun’ for that matter.

  Instead, I will more than likely, dress up my newborn, just to sit at home and stare at her while she sleeps.  I will probably do this alone.  I will remain sleep deprived from waking up every couple of hours to feed her and I will look a hot mess whilst doing it.  When her Poppa gets home, I will sit and stare at them interacting with each other, in awe of the love and family that we have started and share.  I definitely will not be ‘turning up’ and will probably be giving a whole new meaning to ‘popping bottles’.  Today will be a completely different birthday than I have ever had before.  For that, I am so very thankful.  I could not imagine a better way to spend my 28th birthday.  For, I have given myself the greatest birthday present, ever, this year..my sweet, beautiful daughter, Rilyn.



Happy Due Date


I’d like to, whole heartedly, apologize for EVER wishing someone a happy due date.   Not until now did I realize that there is actually nothing exciting or happy about it, unless you are actually in the midst of birthing a child (or have already birthed said child).  I did not realize that, the feeling was quiet the opposite, lol.  Please do accept my apology and do not forever hate me.

 

With that being said, I wishfully pronounce, ANYDAY NOW!  We are (as patiently as possible) awaiting your arrival, Miss Rilyn Rae!

 

I bid you all a good day!

Pregnancy: Trials and Appreciation


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Photos thanks to my good friend, Breanna at Bree LeMaire Photography!

This is a Public Service Announcement:

Yes, I feel blessed and amazing about being able to bring life into this world and no, I do NOT take that for granted.

I, personally, know people who don’t get this beautiful opportunity, and I truly do feel for them. As a matter of fact, it took us longer than expected; and it hurt every month that I didn’t succeed. I, AT NO POINT, not even for a second, regret or have changed my mind about being pregnant. I am well aware that every case of heartburn, every back ache, every hip pain and trip to the bathroom that prevents me from sleeping over an hour at a time each night…is SOOOO worth it. I love that. I’m grateful for that. But, let’s just get one thing straight, that does not, by any means, make me not allowed to not love every single moment.

Pregnancy is painful and tiring. It’s also beautiful and amazing! On top of all of this, the anticipation of finally meeting someone, that you love more than anyone you’ve ever meant in your entire life, after waiting almost a year, IS A LOT! I appreciate it and the end result is worth every last thing that I go through. But, that does NOT, by any means, take away the fact that it can be hard and I am only human. Yes, I signed up for this. I signed up for every achy, sleepless moment. And the outcome will be worth it ALL!

But, let me ask you this: If you want to be a doctor..you go to 8+ years of school and IT’S WORTH IT TO YOU, correct? That doesn’t mean you don’t complain and just not want to go sometimes.

If you work offshore or something like that; THE MONEY IS WORTH IT TO YOU, correct? That doesn’t, for a second, mean that you don’t just wish you were home more often, sometimes.

Pregnancy, unlike school and work, are not something that you can just change your mind about or slack on for a day. So, don’t come at me with that bull.

With that being said, I don’t expect pity. In the same breath, I won’t accept people’s backhanded comments. I do cherish every moment possible of this choice that I made. And it will ALL be worth it in the end, when I hold that sweet, beautiful little girl that I grew my very self, inside my body for 9-10 months. But, that does not mean that I did not go through the dedicated sweat, pain, discomfort, fatigue, HORMONES (which is a battle in itself), & etc. to get her here. So, if you know what’s best for you, be encouraging to a pregnant woman, or keep your damned mouth shut.

Pregnant women, please holler if you hear me.

Have a beautiful and great day!

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8 months

Author Unknown Quote


“You may not see it today or tomorrow, but you will look back in a few years and be absolutely perplexed and awed by how every little thing added up and brought you somewhere wonderful- or where you always wanted to be. You will be grateful that things didn’t work out the way you once wanted them to.”

-artist unknown

Today I Choose


Today is a new day. I am making a conscious decision to make myself continue in steps of bettering myself.

I choose to act, instead of worry. I choose to learn, instead of wonder. I choose to finish cleaning myself up, instead of acting like I am the best that I will ever be. I choose to accept what I can not change but, actually work on what I can. I choose to take action, as opposed to just sitting here confused. That means, I choose to figure it out..even though, I know that i will not figure it all out at once. I choose to better myself, instead of pity myself. I choose a better life for my unborn child, than I would have ever imagined for myself. I choose my family and my life. Today, I make a choice to live the life that I want, instead of the life I feel like I was given.

Today, I choose myself. Today, I choose happiness.

I’m Clinically Depressed? What Does That Even Mean..?


This post will be a little different from most of my previous posts.  While my style is not usually to use my blog as a ‘journal’ of sorts; that’s kind of what I will be doing today.  However, I am only doing this with the intentions of, hopefully, reaching someone who may also need to further explore what exactly it means to be ‘clinically depressed.’  So, I guess, I can start with just a tiny bit of background information, without going into too much long and drawn out detail.

First of all, my childhood was far from ideal, to say the least.  At this time, I would rather not talk to much about that.  The past is the past.  I rather not have judgement passed on anyone or anything, that happened back then.  It was, after all, a very long time ago.  People grow up and we have to learn to let go of things that have already come and gone.  We can not change them.  That does not mean, that we can not change.

Anywho, I made a decision to start going to therapy about a year-year and a half ago.  I have been through quite a lot and I just finally felt like, why not?  How on Earth could it possibly hurt anything?  I did that just in the knick of time too.  It wasn’t too long before my brother passed.  With luck, it didn’t take long before my fiance’ joined me in the movement of ‘self betterment’.  Because, in November of 2013, we also lost his father.

Let’s fast forward to now.  Approximately three weeks ago, my therapist told me that I was clinically depressed.  At first, it caught me off-guard.  Clinically what?  Depressed?  Me?  Really?  I’m like the happiest person that I know.

…annndddd then, I actually stopped and thought about that.  Truth is, sometimes my happy is an act.  And sometimes, I forget that I am supposed to be acting happy.  I hate that crap.  Long story short, that ended up being an emotional day for me.

I know, I know..you’re sitting here like, “So, you aren’t depressed?  Then why did talk about being depressed, make you emotional?”

Well, there’s the thing about depression, right there.  Most of the time, you don’t even realize that you’re suffering with it.

Now..I’m not going to sit here and lie to you.  Three weeks went by.  I, for the most part, forgot about this whole depression thing.  It was in the back of my mind the whole time.  It was just wayyyyy, wayyyyy back there, ya’ know?

And, then yesterday morning, there I was, sitting in the doctor’s office.  When my doctor turns around to me and brings up depression medicine, I can’t even describe how I felt.  It was a mixture of nervousness, relief, confusion, surprise, & like ten other emotions that I can’t even think of; all at one time.   I was a little overwhelmed.  So, I cried.  See a pattern here?  Yeah.  I can be a little sensitive.  The part that throws ME completely off is, I usually don’t even know why.  I just get overwhelmed with emotion and I don’t know what to do with it.  So, I cry.  I can’t stop it.  It does not always happen in bad situations..basically, I am slightly, emotionally retarded.  I accept this.  I’m working on it.

Anyway, If I don’t get to my point soon, I’ll definitely get more and more off subject, so here goes it.

My first major question was, what exactly is clinical depression?  Like, what is the difference?  What is that clinical part about?  What makes me depressed?  I needed to do some research.  Here’s some of what I found:

1. clinical depression 

noun

Psychiatry. a depression so severe as to be considered abnormal,either because of no obvious environmental causes, or because thereaction to unfortunate life circumstances is more intense orprolonged than would generally be expected.

Definition found on Dictionary.com

 

I am now on my journey to fight clinical depression.  I have been taken off of my ADHD medication and put on an anti-depressant.  From what I understand, my ADHD could be a symptom of said depression.  With further motivation to learn more, I spoke a lot with my mother on the subject yesterday.  In our conversation, I think I discovered that I suffer from co-dependence.  That will have to be another post, anopther time.  For today I will leave you with a little bit more information on clinical depression.

 

What are your thoughts?  Do you or someone you love, suffer from clinical depression?  How was it discovered?  How is it being handled?

 

In This next piece I got from MayoClinic.Org:

* symptoms and etc, that I, personally, suffer with occasionally

*symptoms and etc, that I suffer with regularly

May I also note that, I did not actively notice all of these things in my life.  I didn’t not know that they were symptoms of depression either.  So, even if I did actively notice them before, I would have never made the connection.  I’m grateful that the issue was finally brought to my attention.

Definition

By Mayo Clinic Staff

Appointments & care

Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depression, major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and depression may make you feel as if life isn’t worth living.

More than just a bout of the blues, depression isn’t a weakness, nor is it something that you can simply “snap out” of. Depression may require long-term treatment. But don’t get discouraged. Most people with depression feel better with medication, psychological counseling or both. Other treatments also may help.

SYMPTOMS

Although depression may occur only one time during your life, usually people have multiple episodes of depression. During these episodes, symptoms occur most of the day, nearly every day and may include:

  • *Feelings of sadness, emptiness or unhappiness
  • *Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters
  • *Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities, such as sex
  • *Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much
  • *Tiredness and lack of energy, so that even small tasks take extra effort
  • *Changes in appetite — often reduced appetite and weight loss, but increased cravings for food and weight gain in some people
  • *Anxiety, agitation or restlessness — for example, excessive worrying, pacing, hand-wringing or an inability to sit still
  • Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
  • *Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself for things that are not your responsibility
  • Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
  • Frequent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide
  • Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

For some people, depression symptoms are so severe that it’s obvious something isn’t right. Other people feel generally miserable or unhappy without really knowing why.

Types of depression

Depression affects each person in different ways, so symptoms caused by depression vary from person to person. To clarify the type of depression you have, your doctor may add information to your depression diagnosis called a specifier. Specifiers include having depression with specific features, such as:

  • *Anxious distress — unusual restlessness or worry about possible events or loss of control
  • *Mixed features — simultaneous depression and mania, which includes elevated self-esteem, talking too much, and racing thoughts and ideas
  • *Melancholic features — severe depression with a profound lack of response to something that used to bring pleasure, associated with early morning awakening, worsened mood in the morning, significant changes in appetite, and feelings of guilt, agitation or sluggishness
  • *Atypical features — ability to be cheered by happy events, increased appetite, little need for sleep, sensitivity to rejection, and a heavy feeling in arms or legs
  • Psychotic features — depression accompanied by delusions or hallucinations, which may involve themes of personal inadequacy or negative themes
  • Catatonia — includes motor activity that involves either uncontrollable and purposeless movement or fixed and inflexible posture
  • Peripartum onset — occurs during pregnancy or in the weeks or months after delivery (postpartum)
  • Seasonal pattern — related to changes in seasons and diminished exposure to sunlight

Depression symptoms in children and teens

Common symptoms of depression in children and teens are similar to those of adults, but there can be some differences.

  • In younger children, symptoms of depression may include sadness, irritability, clinginess, worry, aches and pains, refusing to go to school, or being underweight.
  • In teens, symptoms may include sadness, irritability, feeling negative and worthless, anger, poor performance or poor attendance at school, feeling misunderstood and extremely sensitive, using drugs or alcohol, eating or sleeping too much, self-harm, loss of interest in normal activities, and avoidance of social interaction.
  • *Depression may occur with other mental health conditions, such as anxiety, eating disorders, substance abuse or attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

Depression symptoms in older adults

Depression is not a normal part of growing older and it should never be taken lightly. Unfortunately, depression often goes undiagnosed and untreated in older adults, and they may feel reluctant to seek help. Symptoms of depression may be different or less obvious in older adults, including:

  • *Memory difficulties or personality changes
  • *Fatigue, loss of appetite, sleep problems, aches or loss of interest in sex, which are not caused by a medical condition or medication
  • *Often wanting to stay at home, rather than going out to socialize or doing new things
  • Suicidal thinking or feelings, especially in older men

When to see a doctor

If you feel depressed, make an appointment to see your doctor as soon as you can. Depression often gets worse if it isn’t treated. Untreated depression can lead to other mental and physical health problems or troubles in other areas of your life. Feelings of depression can also lead to suicide.

If you’re reluctant to seek treatment, talk to a friend or loved one, a health care professional, a faith leader, or someone else you trust.

 

And one more from MayoClinic.Org

What does the term “clinical depression” mean?

Answers from Daniel K. Hall-Flavin, M.D.

Depression ranges in seriousness from mild, temporary episodes of sadness to severe, persistent depression. Clinical depression is the more severe form of depression, also known as major depression or major depressive disorder. It isn’t the same as depression caused by a loss, such as the death of a loved one, or a medical condition, such as a thyroid disorder.

To be diagnosed with clinical depression, you must meet the symptom criteria for major depressive disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), published by the American Psychiatric Association. This manual is used by mental health providers to diagnose mental conditions and by insurance companies to reimburse for treatment.

For clinical depression, you must have five or more of the following symptoms over a two-week period, most of the day, nearly every day. At least one of the symptoms must be either a depressed mood or a loss of interest or pleasure. Signs and symptoms may include:

  • *Depressed mood, such as feeling sad, empty or tearful (in children and teens, depressed mood can appear as constant irritability)
  • Significantly reduced interest or feeling no pleasure in all or most activities
  • Significant weight loss when not dieting, weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite (in children, failure to gain weight as expected)
  • *Insomnia or increased desire to sleep
  • Either restlessness or slowed behavior that can be observed by others
  • Fatigue or loss of energy
  • *Feelings of worthlessness, or excessive or inappropriate guilt
  • *Trouble making decisions, or trouble thinking or concentrating
  • Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide, or a suicide attempt

Your symptoms must be severe enough to cause noticeable problems in relationships with others or in day-to-day activities, such as work, school or social activities. Symptoms may be based on your own feelings or on the observations of someone else.

Clinical depression can affect people of any age, including children. However, clinical depression symptoms, even if severe, usually improve with psychological counseling, antidepressant medications or a combination of the two.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I do not personally suffer from suicidal thoughts.  I do not ever see myself being that depressed.  I pray that I never am.  However, if you know anyone who is suicidial or talks about it, please reach out to them.  It is a serious matter that should never be taken lightly.  You could save a life.

If you have suicidal thoughts

If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, get help right away. Here are some steps you can take:

  • Reach out to a close friend or loved one.
  • Contact a minister, a spiritual leader or someone in your faith community.
  • Call a suicide hotline number — in the United States, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255) to reach a trained counselor. Use that same number and press 1 to reach the Veterans Crisis Line.
  • Make an appointment with your doctor, mental health provider or other health care provider.

When to get emergency help

If you think you may hurt yourself or attempt suicide, call 911 or your local emergency number immediately.

If you have a loved one who is in danger of committing suicide or has made a suicide attempt, make sure someone stays with that person. Call 911 or your local emergency number immediately. Or, if you think you can do so safely, take the person to the nearest hospital emergency room.

MayoClinic.Org

 

Two Plus Two, Equals Four


The Genetic Code: One Woman’s Story on How Genetics Pave the Way For and Impact Your Life Forever

 

Two Plus Two, Equals Four

 My mother worked for her father, until she was put on bed rest while pregnant with my brother.  Martin was constantly in and out of doctor’s office and hospitals-so, my mother really didn’t have the time to go back to work, after he was born.  Then, about seven months after Martin was born, my mother had a doctor’s appointment.  While at this appointment, as the doctor began to urge her to not get pregnant again just yet-she had to interrupt.  The facts were, she was already almost positive that she was already pregnant again.  So, they confirmed this.

And so the story of the LeBlanc family, plus Tiffani, has begun.  My mother and father both longed for two children -one boy and one girl.  When they found out that they were having a little girl, they were ecstatic-and relived.  The chances of them having a little girl with the same medical issues as Martin, was quite slim.

 

My mother’s pregnancy with me went a little smoother-aside of becoming very much larger, extremely fast (you see, I am currently 5’10” and my mother is merely 4’9”).  In March of 1987, here I came.  They tell me that I came out screaming and I was gorgeous from the beginning (their words, not mine).

 

As time went on, my parents got more and more comfortable with Martin’s medical conditions and I quickly but, healthily continued to grow.  My mother was able to go back to work in 1991.  And, while this worked out for a while, it only took about two years for them to realize that it may just be a little easier for my mom to be able to stay home and tend to the house and kids.  Susan loved being a stay at home mom and she very much enjoyed the time that it gave her with us (her children).  I can remember that on some days, she would build forts with us while she watched her ‘stories’ (A.K.A. soap operas).

When I was about 12, my parents got divorced.  It was then that my mother decided, she has a new commitment that she wanted to live up to.  As we grew up, she always tried her best to keep us in constructive extracurricular activities, thus she had to go back to work.  My mother wanted us to have our own place.   However, with a child like Martin and wanting to provide us with extras, that would have been awfully hard to do.  And so, we move in with my grandmother.

When I was in junior high and high school, we all three lived with my grandparents.  They managed to put us through the school clubs that we wanted to participate in.  My brother was even in the Explorer Scouts, working with the volunteer fire department in our small town.  I had dance team in junior high and soccer in high school.  And we were both very active in school club, such as, Diversity.  My brother and I were fairly good kids, in my humble opinion.

However, through all this time, unbeknownst to us all, my mother was suffering from bipolar disorder.  As more and more time went on, she got progressively less happy, and less stable.  Once she began going through menopause, it is almost as if (well, exactly as if) she completely lost control.  And, I honestly think, that, that is super understandable.  I can not even imagine living my life, with no control over my moods, on a regular basis.  I can only imagine the hurt, and hate you can develop for yourself.  After all, it’s so easy to be against something that we do not understand.  And, no one wants to feel like ‘something is wrong with them.‘  When, in all honesty, isn’t that exactly what makes a person, so real?  It’s their flaws.  ‘Realness’ is attractive.   And flaws are real.  The beautiful imperfections

 

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