Having a child is hard and amazing work. Everyone says it will get better. I know it will. But, right now it’s one big guessing game.
You don’t know what’s wrong with the kid or what tomorrow will bring. Will you sleep tonight? Will she spit up all over you? In your mouth? Twice? Three times? Will she projectile poop on you, right as you finish changing her diaper? No one really knows! But, It’s really the best guessing game I’ve ever played in my life. She’s the cutest person in the universe. We made a person…a person that we’ll love no matter how much they can suck sometimes. Rilyn sucks at night, haha. For now anyway. That’s another thing about it. It can all change over night. Every day is different.
I sat on the floor holding my child at 2:30 this morning, crying because, I was so tired. When she started crying in my arms, all I could do is look at her and say, “tell me about it”.
I sat on the floor holding my child at 2:30 this morning, crying because, I was so tired. When she started crying in my arms, all I could do is look at her and say, “tell me about it”. I had tried EVERYTHING. She wasn’t hungry, there was no gas. I honestly still have no clue what was wrong. She sure didn’t want to go to sleep though. I feel like she hates me at night right now. However, regardless of how terrible the previous night was..everyday I’m like “omg! I love you, you’re so cute!”
Having a child, man..it’s hard & dirty. They always want to be held and they get heavier by the day. You no longer get grossed out because, it can be the grossest thing ever, daily. It’s tiring and it can be frustrating….but, it’s SO fulfilling. All it takes is one cute little grunt, a tuck on your shirt collar, or one involuntary smile…and it’s like all the other stuff fades away. I can’t even imagine how joyful I’ll feel when she smiles on purpose one day…one day soon.
This year, for my birthday, I will not be dressing all cute, meeting up with a bunch of friends to go out and party, or doing anything that most people would consider ‘fun’ for that matter.
Instead, I will more than likely, dress up my newborn, just to sit at home and stare at her while she sleeps. I will probably do this alone. I will remain sleep deprived from waking up every couple of hours to feed her and I will look a hot mess whilst doing it. When her Poppa gets home, I will sit and stare at them interacting with each other, in awe of the love and family that we have started and share. I definitely will not be ‘turning up’ and will probably be giving a whole new meaning to ‘popping bottles’. Today will be a completely different birthday than I have ever had before. For that, I am so very thankful. I could not imagine a better way to spend my 28th birthday. For, I have given myself the greatest birthday present, ever, this year..my sweet, beautiful daughter, Rilyn.
Two years ago today, it was a Thursday…and I woke up to a series of phone calls that changed my life, forever. I still can’t believe that I have gone this long without seeing your face. I now understand why I had that overwhelming urge to tell you that I loved you the night before…and boy, am I glad that I did. I am so glad that I made sure to tell you so much. I’m so glad that we were so close and I spent every minute with you possible. That also makes it so much harder.
What makes it easier for me, is knowing that it was at the fault of no one at all that we lost you..the fact that, you started your life with our parents believing that they would never even take you home alive. The fact that, you had such a short life expectancy, and you well outlived that.
It helps me, knowing that you are out of all your pain, that you saw and felt constantly. For I know, that every feeling of sadness that I have is pure selfishness. And I am not putting myself down for that. If there was ever a moment in my life where I deserved to be selfish, it is in, missing you. But, that’s also my biggest help moving on. The fact that all of those feelings, every last one of them…are feelings of selfishness because, I miss you and want you in my life, physically. I know you are in a far better place now and you are no longer enduring constant pain. But, no one in this world will ever be able to replace my funny, one of a kind, big/little brother.
I just ask that you remain with us everyday. I want you to watch over mom and dad. I need you to be there while your niece is growing up. Don’t think for a second that, I’ll make being my big brother any easier, just because you are now in the after life. Please know that no one will ever take your place and my children will know their Uncle Martin, as well as possible. I know you are here with us because, every time I ask Blayden where Uncle Martin is, he reaches for your urn or your picture. That still gets me.
I love you with all my soul & I miss you every day, Bubba.
I am feeling so blessed in this moment. Firstly, I really hope they don’t mind me putting all of this out there but, they truly make me so proud to call them my parents.
My mother and father have been divorced since I was 12 years old. They used to not speak to each other, at all. Tomorrow, my mother and father will be leaving for vacation together. Not as a romantic venture but, instead, as great friends.
I can not even express in words how amazing of people that they are. To have gone through so much, and now, have overcome it all. To be able to be friends with someone like that. To me that is truly amazing. I must say, as far as role models go, myself and my future children have really hit the jackpot. They are not perfect people but, they have overcome and accomplished so much more than most have to withstand in life.
And on top of this all off, they shine forgiveness and humbling vibes. I hope I can be half the parents, that mine are today. I feel so blessed to have my family back together. Not “together” in the traditional way. But, I do believe that is why it works so incredibly well, for us.
Thank you Mom and Dad. For, not only, being amazing parents and people in general; but, for being so strong, brave, and true- for me, and for yourselves.
Thank you both for everything you do. Thank you both, for our family.
I love them! Please excuse the last one! It was editted be me, and I am no professional! As a matter of fact, I just figured out how to remove the trampoline today. So, I am kind of impressed with myself anyway, hehe.
Today, I’d like to share with you a poem I have written for one of my best friends. She is a first time mother, of the most beautiful five month old baby boy, that I have ever seen. He is the light of my life and I love him with my whole heart. And, his mother and my best friend, Summer, is one of the strongest woman that I know. She’s more than a best friend; she’s my sister.
Anywho- I wrote this poem for her to receive on her first Mother’s Day. And, now I would like to share it with you all(: I’m no poet but, I think it served it’s purpose! I believe that it is touching with a funny little twist at the end(: I hope you enjoy.
Now You’re A Mother
When I found you,
A best friend was gained.
You were there to be weird with,
And when my heart was in pain.
Through good times and bad,
Best friends we remained.
I have a couple ‘sisters’,
But you aren’t quite the same.
With each other, we have family.
Love; a safe haven.
And I never knew that I could love so much,
Until you had Blayden.
Long story short,
Now you’re a mother.
Today is YOUR special day,
Enjoy that shit,
It’ll be 365 days until you get another.(;
Do you think that I did a good job? What are some other good ideas for Mommy’s first Mother’s Day?!
The Genetic Code: One Woman’s Story on How Genetics Pave the Way For and Impact Your Life Forever
Two Plus Two, Equals Four
My mother worked for her father, until she was put on bed rest while pregnant with my brother. Martin was constantly in and out of doctor’s office and hospitals-so, my mother really didn’t have the time to go back to work, after he was born. Then, about seven months after Martin was born, my mother had a doctor’s appointment. While at this appointment, as the doctor began to urge her to not get pregnant again just yet-she had to interrupt. The facts were, she was already almost positive that she was already pregnant again. So, they confirmed this.
And so the story of the LeBlanc family, plus Tiffani, has begun. My mother and father both longed for two children -one boy and one girl. When they found out that they were having a little girl, they were ecstatic-and relived. The chances of them having a little girl with the same medical issues as Martin, was quite slim.
My mother’s pregnancy with me went a little smoother-aside of becoming very much larger, extremely fast (you see, I am currently 5’10” and my mother is merely 4’9”). In March of 1987, here I came. They tell me that I came out screaming and I was gorgeous from the beginning (their words, not mine).
As time went on, my parents got more and more comfortable with Martin’s medical conditions and I quickly but, healthily continued to grow. My mother was able to go back to work in 1991. And, while this worked out for a while, it only took about two years for them to realize that it may just be a little easier for my mom to be able to stay home and tend to the house and kids. Susan loved being a stay at home mom and she very much enjoyed the time that it gave her with us (her children). I can remember that on some days, she would build forts with us while she watched her ‘stories’ (A.K.A. soap operas).
When I was about 12, my parents got divorced. It was then that my mother decided, she has a new commitment that she wanted to live up to. As we grew up, she always tried her best to keep us in constructive extracurricular activities, thus she had to go back to work. My mother wanted us to have our own place. However, with a child like Martin and wanting to provide us with extras, that would have been awfully hard to do. And so, we move in with my grandmother.
When I was in junior high and high school, we all three lived with my grandparents. They managed to put us through the school clubs that we wanted to participate in. My brother was even in the Explorer Scouts, working with the volunteer fire department in our small town. I had dance team in junior high and soccer in high school. And we were both very active in school club, such as, Diversity. My brother and I were fairly good kids, in my humble opinion.
However, through all this time, unbeknownst to us all, my mother was suffering from bipolar disorder. As more and more time went on, she got progressively less happy, and less stable. Once she began going through menopause, it is almost as if (well, exactly as if) she completely lost control. And, I honestly think, that, that is super understandable. I can not even imagine living my life, with no control over my moods, on a regular basis. I can only imagine the hurt, and hate you can develop for yourself. After all, it’s so easy to be against something that we do not understand. And, no one wants to feel like ‘something is wrong with them.‘ When, in all honesty, isn’t that exactly what makes a person, so real? It’s their flaws. ‘Realness’ is attractive. And flaws are real.The beautiful imperfections.
I just wanted to let my dear readers know, that I have not forgotten about you! I have some pretty exciting things going on right now.
I recently was asked to be a creative writer for a Art magazine, Inspired Imagery. I am also, currently building a website for an online boutique my mother & I have in the works! As a result, my time has been very tied up. However, I shall return soon (hopefully with more really exciting things to share with you)!
What exciting things are going on in your life right now? Stay tubed for more from me!!
The Genetic Code: One Woman’s Story on How Genetics Pave the Way For and Impact, Your Life, Forever
And Then There Were Three..
Let’s do a mini-recap. When we left off, Susan Landry, the first-born of 6 children; had just gotten married, went through her first (and only) miscarriage, and is now(a few years later) pregnant with her second child. We will now go ahead in time a few months; to birth.
Now, let’s fast forward a few months, to my brother being born. Martin was born in November of 1985. When he was born, it was discovered that he had a number of medical issues, as a result of our genetic code. Back then, after child-birth, you had to stay in the hospital a bit longer than you do now. Susan’s stay was even more prolonged because, she came down with a terrible fever after labor, and had to be watched for a couple extra days. Of course, due to Martin’s medical conditions and current state as of birth, he had to be moved to a specialty hospital..-without my mother.
While my mother was recovering, my father would go see Martin every single day. Upon his return the first day, he had to present my mother with a Polaroid photo of Martin that was given to him by the nurses. As my mother cheekily smiled and remarked about how sweet the gesture was; my father cried inside. For, it was a nice gesture but, she was not yet clear as to why, obviously. My father stood there for a moment, speechless. Then, with a cracking in his voice, he had to explain to her that he was sent with this photograph because, the nurses were afraid that my mother would not be able to make it to see Martin before he left this Earth. Martin’s condition was very poor. She pleaded with them to be able to go see him but, she was in New Iberia and he had been rushed into Lafayette. Sadly, she did not make it there before her release. However, Martin did.
Martin stopped breathing at seven hours old. He did not have oxygen going to his brain and his heart had stopped beating. He was clinically dead. Then, a miracle happened..he came back. My mother was released from the hospital about five days later and finally got to go see her beautiful baby boy. But, much to her dismay, this did not mean they would get to bring him home.
For the first seven and a half weeks of Martin’s life, he had to live in a hospital. He died and came back, at least four different times. Then, one day, as my grandmother and mother were driving home; my mother said she was overcome with a great feeling of peace. She looked over to my grandmother and said, “Martin is coming home today. I can just feel it.”
The doctors called not too much later..
Having a child like Martin was a struggle. Despite that, I don’t think that either of my parents would change anything about him. If there is one thing that Martin is, it is 100% himself.
Martin had what seemed like an endless list of medical issues including dwarfism, a sunken septum, and adrenal problems. And, while my entire family were cautioned and knew that he probably would not live a life as long as most (he was not expected to live past the age of 18, if that), they all hoped for a bright and fulfilled future for him.
This is where we will leave off today! When we return, I will be entering the story(: STAY TUNED!
It’s been a little over a year, since my brother passed away. I think of him and miss him everyday. I know that I have stated before that he was my best friend in the world. And when you are that close to someone, you never really know what will bring all those memories, of that person, crashing back down on you…until you lose them, and then stumble upon one of those little somethings.
I think I’ve been doing a very good job at ‘moving on’ from my brothers death. Don’t get me wrong, it will never stop hurting. I will never stop missing him. I will never wake up without the memories of my brother nor will I ever, stop wishing that he was here. However, time does teach you lessons in handling things. And, it does get easier to handle, just a tiny bit, everyday.
But, then there are those days, when you are just minding your own business..and you run along something. And for some reason, that random little thing, brings with it so many feelings and images.
So, here I am. Going through this bag of shirts, that used to belong to my brother. I am holding together seemingly well. I’m excited about this project. I am planning to make my mom, dad, and I each a throw blanket with his old shirts.
Then, as I dump out the bag full of t-shirts and polos; out rolls a bottle of medicine. Martin was on many different medicines that he had to take, every single day, in order to keep his body functioning and himself alive.
And here I sit. With this medicine bottle. You can tell that half of the label has been rubbed against over and over. The paper is peeling and rolling off in little pieces. I can’t even tell what medication it is. Not that I would be able to pronounce it, anyway. Something or other ‘-talopram’. I’m just sitting here, examining this bottle, with tears welding up in my eyes. Of all his things that I have…why does this medicine bottle conjure up such deep feelings?
Maybe because it’s a vivid memory that I have of him? Maybe just because, it is something that I haven’t had to ‘deal’ with or see since he has been gone..
I’m really not sure what it is about this old, beat up medicine bottle but, it sure does hit my ‘feelings button’.
Have you ever lost someone really close to you? What random things remind you of them? How do you deal?
"Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which a person is excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity, mentally unable to see the destructive damage they are causing to themselves and to others in the process."