Tag Archives: brother

Rest In Peace, Bubba: Second Anniversary


Two years ago today, it was a Thursday…and I woke up to a series of phone calls that changed my life, forever. I still can’t believe that I have gone this long without seeing your face. I now understand why I had that overwhelming urge to tell you that I loved you the night before…and boy, am I glad that I did. I am so glad that I made sure to tell you so much. I’m so glad that we were so close and I spent every minute with you possible. That also makes it so much harder.
What makes it easier for me, is knowing that it was at the fault of no one at all that we lost you..the fact that, you started your life with our parents believing that they would never even take you home alive. The fact that, you had such a short life expectancy, and you well outlived that.
It helps me, knowing that you are out of all your pain, that you saw and felt constantly. For I know, that every feeling of sadness that I have is pure selfishness. And I am not putting myself down for that. If there was ever a moment in my life where I deserved to be selfish, it is in, missing you. But, that’s also my biggest help moving on. The fact that all of those feelings, every last one of them…are feelings of selfishness because, I miss you and want you in my life, physically. I know you are in a far better place now and you are no longer enduring constant pain. But, no one in this world will ever be able to replace my funny, one of a kind, big/little brother.

I just ask that you remain with us everyday. I want you to watch over mom and dad. I need you to be there while your niece is growing up. Don’t think for a second that, I’ll make being my big brother any easier, just because you are now in the after life. Please know that no one will ever take your place and my children will know their Uncle Martin, as well as possible. I know you are here with us because, every time I ask Blayden where Uncle Martin is, he reaches for your urn or your picture. That still gets me.

I love you with all my soul & I miss you every day, Bubba.

Love always,
Fani

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…So, Here I Am.


It’s been a little over a year, since my brother passed away. I think of him and miss him everyday. I know that I have stated before that he was my best friend in the world. And when you are that close to someone, you never really know what will bring all those memories, of that person, crashing back down on you…until you lose them, and then stumble upon one of those little somethings.

I think I’ve been doing a very good job at ‘moving on’ from my brothers death. Don’t get me wrong, it will never stop hurting. I will never stop missing him. I will never wake up without the memories of my brother nor will I ever, stop wishing that he was here. However, time does teach you lessons in handling things. And, it does get easier to handle, just a tiny bit, everyday.

But, then there are those days, when you are just minding your own business..and you run along something. And for some reason, that random little thing, brings with it so many feelings and images.

So, here I am. Going through this bag of shirts, that used to belong to my brother. I am holding together seemingly well. I’m excited about this project. I am planning to make my mom, dad, and I each a throw blanket with his old shirts.

Then, as I dump out the bag full of t-shirts and polos; out rolls a bottle of medicine. Martin was on many different medicines that he had to take, every single day, in order to keep his body functioning and himself alive.

And here I sit. With this medicine bottle. You can tell that half of the label has been rubbed against over and over. The paper is peeling and rolling off in little pieces. I can’t even tell what medication it is. Not that I would be able to pronounce it, anyway. Something or other ‘-talopram’. I’m just sitting here, examining this bottle, with tears welding up in my eyes. Of all his things that I have…why does this medicine bottle conjure up such deep feelings?

Maybe because it’s a vivid memory that I have of him? Maybe just because, it is something that I haven’t had to ‘deal’ with or see since he has been gone..

I’m really not sure what it is about this old, beat up medicine bottle but, it sure does hit my ‘feelings button’.

Have you ever lost someone really close to you? What random things remind you of them? How do you deal?

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