Category Archives: Random Thoughts Of Tiffani

A Wake-Up Call

I wasn’t sure where to start this series.  I bounced back and forth between an introduction post that would tell you about myself & all of my personal struggles or the situation that inspired me to start the series to begin with.  Ultimately, I have decided to start with the story of what happened the day I decided to write about it since, well, that’s kind of where this journey of self-help starts.  We can jump right in.  Let me set the stage.

I’ve been overworked(by babies) & under paid (in sleep, that is).  I am currently trying to get my 8 month old to sleep more through the night, all the while, also getting him used to sharing a room with his 2 year old sister.  I’m tired, my allergies are overwhelmingly bad, & I haven’t had a moment to myself in what feels like an eternity.  I decide to go get a pedicure when I leave work.   A pedicure is one of those things that I would love to treat myself to more often, but I feel awkward walking into a building full of ladies & announcing that I want my toes done for some reason, so I normally pass.  However, on this day, I felt like I needed something.  So, I ‘sucked it up’ & chose the nail salon that I wanted to try.

“A pedicure is one of those things that I would love to treat myself to more often, but I feel awkward walking into a building full of ladies & announcing that I want my toes done for some reason, so I normally pass.  However, on this day, I felt like I needed something.  So, I ‘sucked it up’ & chose the nail salon that I wanted to try.”

I walk in, shyly tell the lady what I want when she asks, pick my polish as instructed, & then almost shamefully stand around not knowing what to do for what felt like a few minutes.  Finally, I decide to sit in the waiting area, only to be looked at strange and instructed to move to the pedicure chair that is being prepared.  This may not have even struck anyone there as unusual, but I still felt unbearably stupid.  I am literally two minutes into the salon & I am already so overwhelmed with anxiety that I could bury my head in sand & hold out picking it up for another day.

Then, as I look over to my designated chair, I see a familiar, smiling face.  I see someone that I was actually pretty good friends with in high school (over 10 years ago, mind you).  We hung out on the weekends & slept at each other’s houses.  Our friendship did not end on a sour note.  We simply grew apart.  This is a moment that would probably be relieving or a pleasant surprise to normal people.  What was it to me?  Scary, to say the least.  So, I fake a huge smile & throw her a ‘Hey girl!” while hoping for the best.

Sometimes I feel like seeing old friends is harder than talking to strangers, because there is a certain level of ‘friendliness’ or conversation that is usually expected.  I feel unable to live up to that on most occasions.  I cringe when I see someone that I know in public.  Not because I don’t want to talk to them, but I know that I will probably fail horribly at it.  In these moments I want to be social, but I’m overcome with doubt.  This was most definitely one of those instances.  Here I am, sitting in a chair right next to a former friend & I am so nervous and stupefied that I stumble trying to place my items down & feel like I have to make some excuse for my awkwardness, so I mumble, “I’m sorry.  I haven’t been getting much sleep.”  All the while I am starting to sweat & my throat is getting dry, because I’m becoming increasingly nervous thinking about what on Earth I’m going to say and/or do in this next hour or so of sitting next to someone that I should probably have zero issues talking to.

And so it begins.  She is the epitome of friendly.  She smiles sweetly & asks how I have been.  She did everything right when it came to seeing an old buddy.  Be that as it may, I was there to muck it up, no matter how hard I tried to do the opposite.  First came the “how are you?” which I followed with a “tired”.  Why couldn’t I have simply said, “Good, and you?” you ask?  I’m still wondering that myself.  After about 2-3 painful minutes of small talk, I could tell she was waiting for me to do my part in the conversation.  Here’s the problem with that: I have no idea how to do my part anymore.  It’s so simple to tell people to just relax or to try asking questions, because people like to talk about themselves.  The hard part is actually attempting to relax or think of questions to ask someone when you literally feel like you’re drowning inside of your own brain.

Here we sit, silently, in the nail salon, right next to each other.  There is a long silence and some gazing out of the window.  Then, like the friendly person she is, she gives it another go by asking me if I have recently spoken to some of our mutual high school friends. This is another unfruitful attempt at conversation, because, not only have I not seen these people in almost a decade, I don’t see much of anyone these days.   I don’t even have a back-up plan when it comes to talking about other people that we know.  There is more silence.  I am desperate to think of something to say.  I am desperate to think of anything to say, so she doesn’t think that I am uninterested in her conversation.

I finally come up with a thought and undoubtedly, I start to doubt myself.  Things run through my head, such as, “why would you ask that?  That’s stupid” or “she’s going to think you’re weird.”  I have a good 5 minute argument with myself about how stupid and/or pointless what I want to say is before recognizing my self-destructive attitude & forcing myself to say what I was thinking.  Because, how will I ever find out how the conversation could turn out if I don’t even have the courage to talk?  Uncertainly, I ask, “so what do y’all do for the holidays?  Do you try to go see all of your families in one day or do you split it up somehow?”  Yes, that was a best I had.  I went for it.  It worked, until she finished telling me what they do for the holidays.  Then I was lost again.  Though, I did gain some helpful insight for working around multiple families during the holidays.

For the next 30 minutes or so there were numerous awkward (at least it felt that way on my part) silences & multiple brief phone checks, & window gazes.  She attempts conversation a couple more times, like I feel most confident people would, before finally throwing in the towel.  Eventually the nail tech is done with her pedicure & she stands up to leave.  I decide to put myself out there again and tell her goodbye.  She didn’t actually reply or follow with a “nice seeing you” or anything, but I can’t say that I blame her.  I mean, was it actually nice seeing me or did I just help her to experience one of the most painfully awkward pedicures she has sat through in her entire life?  I’ll never know for sure, but my gut tells me it’s the latter.

I leave this pedicure with a million thoughts circling my brain.  I’m proud of myself for actually opening my mouth & saying something I wanted to say even though I was feeling doubtful.  In spite of my efforts, I think the experience was an overall failure.  On the way home I think of all the things that I could have said or done, if I could have thought to say or do them.  I do this often.  I consider how many times in my life this has happened & I’m curious as to how or if I can make it stop.  I ponder on how many people out there actually understand how this feels or how many people would never guess that I struggle with this.  Tears begin to weld up in my eyes.  I wonder how many people have a negative opinion of me based on an awkward meeting they have had with me, that they expected to go differently.  I wonder if I can fix this.  I wonder if I will ever have more courage around people?  I am perplex.   I cry.  What kind of crazy self-hate is this?

And then I start to wonder if talking about it openly would help.  Here we are.

Newborns are a Full-time Job.

Having a child is hard and amazing work.  Everyone says it will get better.  I know it will.  But, right now it’s one big guessing game.  

You don’t know what’s wrong with the kid or what tomorrow will bring.  Will you sleep tonight?  Will she spit up all over you?  In your mouth?  Twice?  Three times?  Will she projectile poop on you, right as you finish changing her diaper?  No one really knows!  But, It’s really the best guessing game I’ve ever played in my life.  She’s the cutest person in the universe. We made a person…a person that we’ll love no matter how much they can suck sometimes.  Rilyn sucks at night, haha.  For now anyway.  That’s another thing about it.  It can all change over night.   Every day is different.  

I sat on the floor holding my child at 2:30 this morning, crying because, I was so tired.  When she started crying in my arms, all I could do is look at her and say, “tell me about it”.  

I sat on the floor holding my child at 2:30 this morning, crying because, I was so tired.  When she started crying in my arms, all I could do is look at her and say, “tell me about it”.  I had tried EVERYTHING.  She wasn’t hungry, there was no gas.  I honestly still have no clue what was wrong.  She sure didn’t want to go to sleep though.  I feel like she hates me at night right now.  However, regardless of how terrible the previous night was..everyday I’m like “omg! I love you, you’re so cute!” 

Having a child,’s hard & dirty.  They always want to be held and they get heavier by the day.  You no longer get grossed out because, it can be the grossest thing ever, daily.  It’s tiring and it can be frustrating….but, it’s SO fulfilling. All it takes is one cute little grunt, a tuck on your shirt collar, or one involuntary smile…and it’s like all the other stuff fades away.  I can’t even imagine how joyful I’ll feel when she smiles on purpose one day…one day soon.  
Being a parent is life.  It’s amazing.  

Happy Due Date

I’d like to, whole heartedly, apologize for EVER wishing someone a happy due date.   Not until now did I realize that there is actually nothing exciting or happy about it, unless you are actually in the midst of birthing a child (or have already birthed said child).  I did not realize that, the feeling was quiet the opposite, lol.  Please do accept my apology and do not forever hate me.


With that being said, I wishfully pronounce, ANYDAY NOW!  We are (as patiently as possible) awaiting your arrival, Miss Rilyn Rae!


I bid you all a good day!

Pregnancy: Trials and Appreciation

Photos thanks to my good friend, Breanna at Bree LeMaire Photography!

This is a Public Service Announcement:

Yes, I feel blessed and amazing about being able to bring life into this world and no, I do NOT take that for granted.

I, personally, know people who don’t get this beautiful opportunity, and I truly do feel for them. As a matter of fact, it took us longer than expected; and it hurt every month that I didn’t succeed. I, AT NO POINT, not even for a second, regret or have changed my mind about being pregnant. I am well aware that every case of heartburn, every back ache, every hip pain and trip to the bathroom that prevents me from sleeping over an hour at a time each night…is SOOOO worth it. I love that. I’m grateful for that. But, let’s just get one thing straight, that does not, by any means, make me not allowed to not love every single moment.

Pregnancy is painful and tiring. It’s also beautiful and amazing! On top of all of this, the anticipation of finally meeting someone, that you love more than anyone you’ve ever meant in your entire life, after waiting almost a year, IS A LOT! I appreciate it and the end result is worth every last thing that I go through. But, that does NOT, by any means, take away the fact that it can be hard and I am only human. Yes, I signed up for this. I signed up for every achy, sleepless moment. And the outcome will be worth it ALL!

But, let me ask you this: If you want to be a go to 8+ years of school and IT’S WORTH IT TO YOU, correct? That doesn’t mean you don’t complain and just not want to go sometimes.

If you work offshore or something like that; THE MONEY IS WORTH IT TO YOU, correct? That doesn’t, for a second, mean that you don’t just wish you were home more often, sometimes.

Pregnancy, unlike school and work, are not something that you can just change your mind about or slack on for a day. So, don’t come at me with that bull.

With that being said, I don’t expect pity. In the same breath, I won’t accept people’s backhanded comments. I do cherish every moment possible of this choice that I made. And it will ALL be worth it in the end, when I hold that sweet, beautiful little girl that I grew my very self, inside my body for 9-10 months. But, that does not mean that I did not go through the dedicated sweat, pain, discomfort, fatigue, HORMONES (which is a battle in itself), & etc. to get her here. So, if you know what’s best for you, be encouraging to a pregnant woman, or keep your damned mouth shut.

Pregnant women, please holler if you hear me.

Have a beautiful and great day!

8 months

Rest In Peace, Bubba: Second Anniversary

Two years ago today, it was a Thursday…and I woke up to a series of phone calls that changed my life, forever. I still can’t believe that I have gone this long without seeing your face. I now understand why I had that overwhelming urge to tell you that I loved you the night before…and boy, am I glad that I did. I am so glad that I made sure to tell you so much. I’m so glad that we were so close and I spent every minute with you possible. That also makes it so much harder.
What makes it easier for me, is knowing that it was at the fault of no one at all that we lost you..the fact that, you started your life with our parents believing that they would never even take you home alive. The fact that, you had such a short life expectancy, and you well outlived that.
It helps me, knowing that you are out of all your pain, that you saw and felt constantly. For I know, that every feeling of sadness that I have is pure selfishness. And I am not putting myself down for that. If there was ever a moment in my life where I deserved to be selfish, it is in, missing you. But, that’s also my biggest help moving on. The fact that all of those feelings, every last one of them…are feelings of selfishness because, I miss you and want you in my life, physically. I know you are in a far better place now and you are no longer enduring constant pain. But, no one in this world will ever be able to replace my funny, one of a kind, big/little brother.

I just ask that you remain with us everyday. I want you to watch over mom and dad. I need you to be there while your niece is growing up. Don’t think for a second that, I’ll make being my big brother any easier, just because you are now in the after life. Please know that no one will ever take your place and my children will know their Uncle Martin, as well as possible. I know you are here with us because, every time I ask Blayden where Uncle Martin is, he reaches for your urn or your picture. That still gets me.

I love you with all my soul & I miss you every day, Bubba.

Love always,



Racism Is Hurting My Heart

I am almost in tears here. I know that because, I am pregnant, apparently I am in an emotional state. (Which, seems funny because, even the man that I live with doesn’t think I am that emotional while being pregnant.). But, I am so freaking over the racism.

First of all, HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN UNSEGREGATED?! Why is there so many close-minded people, OF EVERY RACE, that can not let this go?!

Hey guess what, if you are a white man and don’t agree with a white man getting married to a black woman; THEN DON’T GET MARRIED TO A BLACK WOMAN. And visa versa. And standing for all racial differences (and any other differences) in relationships & ect. How the hell is it changing your life, in anyway, if someone else does it?

Just the same, if a white person does something nice for another white person, HOW THE HELL IS THAT RACIST?! If I see a starving person on the side of the road, and they ask me for a few bucks for food…guess what? I’m going buy them a meal from a fast food restaurant or something, regardless of if they are white, black, yellow, purple, or a llama. (Yes, I know the llama thing is illogical but, I chose to throw some humor in this, so I don’t completely breakdown.)

I respect everyone’s opinion and I feel everyone has the right to feel the way they feel but, damnit! If you don’t like what OTHER people are doing (aside from hurting others in some way), there is a simple solution; MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

I just think that the world would be a much better place if we all worried more about loving one and other, as opposed to trying to find everyone’s flaws or make other people feel as if they are wrong about something, that doesn’t effect them in anyway.

And before you try and tell me that I am worrying about something that doesn’t effect me, myself…just shut up. Not only could (and has) racism effect(ed) me in other ways but, it effects me right here and right now because, I have a freaking heart. And it makes my freaking heart hurt.

I’m not here for an argument about the subject, either. I just truly need to let this emotion out. This is a long post so, if you disagree, you definitely didn’t have to read this far.

Rant over. Thanks for listening/reading, whatever.

Author Unknown Quote

“You may not see it today or tomorrow, but you will look back in a few years and be absolutely perplexed and awed by how every little thing added up and brought you somewhere wonderful- or where you always wanted to be. You will be grateful that things didn’t work out the way you once wanted them to.”

-artist unknown

Forever Grateful

No matter what goes wrong, we just have to remember to stay thankful. Thankful that we have another day and thankful for all that, that day brings.

When I feel like I can’t catch a break, I just thank God for my support system (family & friends) and my growing family. I thank God everyday, for me not going at this life alone….At least I have my partner.

His problems are my problems and my problems are his. That’s the commitment we made to each other. And while some may look at that as, extra problems…I look at it, as a promise that, I’ll never have to face my problems alone.

And for that, I am forever grateful.

What are you grateful for today?