Having a child is hard and amazing work. Everyone says it will get better. I know it will. But, right now it’s one big guessing game.
You don’t know what’s wrong with the kid or what tomorrow will bring. Will you sleep tonight? Will she spit up all over you? In your mouth? Twice? Three times? Will she projectile poop on you, right as you finish changing her diaper? No one really knows! But, It’s really the best guessing game I’ve ever played in my life. She’s the cutest person in the universe. We made a person…a person that we’ll love no matter how much they can suck sometimes. Rilyn sucks at night, haha. For now anyway. That’s another thing about it. It can all change over night. Every day is different.
I sat on the floor holding my child at 2:30 this morning, crying because, I was so tired. When she started crying in my arms, all I could do is look at her and say, “tell me about it”.
I sat on the floor holding my child at 2:30 this morning, crying because, I was so tired. When she started crying in my arms, all I could do is look at her and say, “tell me about it”. I had tried EVERYTHING. She wasn’t hungry, there was no gas. I honestly still have no clue what was wrong. She sure didn’t want to go to sleep though. I feel like she hates me at night right now. However, regardless of how terrible the previous night was..everyday I’m like “omg! I love you, you’re so cute!”
Having a child, man..it’s hard & dirty. They always want to be held and they get heavier by the day. You no longer get grossed out because, it can be the grossest thing ever, daily. It’s tiring and it can be frustrating….but, it’s SO fulfilling. All it takes is one cute little grunt, a tuck on your shirt collar, or one involuntary smile…and it’s like all the other stuff fades away. I can’t even imagine how joyful I’ll feel when she smiles on purpose one day…one day soon.
This year, for my birthday, I will not be dressing all cute, meeting up with a bunch of friends to go out and party, or doing anything that most people would consider ‘fun’ for that matter.
Instead, I will more than likely, dress up my newborn, just to sit at home and stare at her while she sleeps. I will probably do this alone. I will remain sleep deprived from waking up every couple of hours to feed her and I will look a hot mess whilst doing it. When her Poppa gets home, I will sit and stare at them interacting with each other, in awe of the love and family that we have started and share. I definitely will not be ‘turning up’ and will probably be giving a whole new meaning to ‘popping bottles’. Today will be a completely different birthday than I have ever had before. For that, I am so very thankful. I could not imagine a better way to spend my 28th birthday. For, I have given myself the greatest birthday present, ever, this year..my sweet, beautiful daughter, Rilyn.
I’d like to, whole heartedly, apologize for EVER wishing someone a happy due date. Not until now did I realize that there is actually nothing exciting or happy about it, unless you are actually in the midst of birthing a child (or have already birthed said child). I did not realize that, the feeling was quiet the opposite, lol. Please do accept my apology and do not forever hate me.
With that being said, I wishfully pronounce, ANYDAY NOW! We are (as patiently as possible) awaiting your arrival, Miss Rilyn Rae!
Yes, I feel blessed and amazing about being able to bring life into this world and no, I do NOT take that for granted.
I, personally, know people who don’t get this beautiful opportunity, and I truly do feel for them. As a matter of fact, it took us longer than expected; and it hurt every month that I didn’t succeed. I, AT NO POINT, not even for a second, regret or have changed my mind about being pregnant. I am well aware that every case of heartburn, every back ache, every hip pain and trip to the bathroom that prevents me from sleeping over an hour at a time each night…is SOOOO worth it. I love that. I’m grateful for that. But, let’s just get one thing straight, that does not, by any means, make me not allowed to not love every single moment.
Pregnancy is painful and tiring. It’s also beautiful and amazing! On top of all of this, the anticipation of finallymeeting someone, that you love more than anyone you’ve ever meant in your entire life, after waiting almost a year, IS A LOT! I appreciate it and the end result is worth every last thing that I go through. But, that does NOT, by any means, take away the fact that it can be hard and I am only human. Yes, I signed up for this. I signed up for every achy, sleepless moment. And the outcome will be worth it ALL!
But, let me ask you this: If you want to be a doctor..you go to 8+ years of school and IT’S WORTH IT TO YOU, correct? That doesn’t mean you don’t complain and just not want to go sometimes.
If you work offshore or something like that; THE MONEY IS WORTH IT TO YOU, correct? That doesn’t, for a second, mean that you don’t just wish you were home more often, sometimes.
Pregnancy, unlike school and work, are not something that you can just change your mind about or slack on for a day. So, don’t come at me with that bull.
With that being said, I don’t expect pity. In the same breath, I won’t accept people’s backhanded comments. I do cherish every moment possible of this choicethat I made. And it will ALL be worth it in the end, when I hold that sweet, beautiful little girl that I grew my very self, inside my body for 9-10 months. But, that does not mean that I did not go through the dedicated sweat, pain, discomfort, fatigue, HORMONES (which is a battle in itself), & etc. to get her here. So, if you know what’s best for you, be encouraging to a pregnant woman, or keep your damned mouth shut.
Two years ago today, it was a Thursday…and I woke up to a series of phone calls that changed my life, forever. I still can’t believe that I have gone this long without seeing your face. I now understand why I had that overwhelming urge to tell you that I loved you the night before…and boy, am I glad that I did. I am so glad that I made sure to tell you so much. I’m so glad that we were so close and I spent every minute with you possible. That also makes it so much harder.
What makes it easier for me, is knowing that it was at the fault of no one at all that we lost you..the fact that, you started your life with our parents believing that they would never even take you home alive. The fact that, you had such a short life expectancy, and you well outlived that.
It helps me, knowing that you are out of all your pain, that you saw and felt constantly. For I know, that every feeling of sadness that I have is pure selfishness. And I am not putting myself down for that. If there was ever a moment in my life where I deserved to be selfish, it is in, missing you. But, that’s also my biggest help moving on. The fact that all of those feelings, every last one of them…are feelings of selfishness because, I miss you and want you in my life, physically. I know you are in a far better place now and you are no longer enduring constant pain. But, no one in this world will ever be able to replace my funny, one of a kind, big/little brother.
I just ask that you remain with us everyday. I want you to watch over mom and dad. I need you to be there while your niece is growing up. Don’t think for a second that, I’ll make being my big brother any easier, just because you are now in the after life. Please know that no one will ever take your place and my children will know their Uncle Martin, as well as possible. I know you are here with us because, every time I ask Blayden where Uncle Martin is, he reaches for your urn or your picture. That still gets me.
I love you with all my soul & I miss you every day, Bubba.
I am almost in tears here. I know that because, I am pregnant, apparently I am in an emotional state. (Which, seems funny because, even the man that I live with doesn’t think I am that emotional while being pregnant.). But, I am so freaking over the racism.
First of all, HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN UNSEGREGATED?! Why is there so many close-minded people, OF EVERY RACE, that can not let this go?!
Hey guess what, if you are a white man and don’t agree with a white man getting married to a black woman; THEN DON’T GET MARRIED TO A BLACK WOMAN. And visa versa. And standing for all racial differences (and any other differences) in relationships & ect. How the hell is it changing your life, in anyway, if someone else does it?
Just the same, if a white person does something nice for another white person, HOW THE HELL IS THAT RACIST?! If I see a starving person on the side of the road, and they ask me for a few bucks for food…guess what? I’m going buy them a meal from a fast food restaurant or something, regardless of if they are white, black, yellow, purple, or a llama. (Yes, I know the llama thing is illogical but, I chose to throw some humor in this, so I don’t completely breakdown.)
I respect everyone’s opinion and I feel everyone has the right to feel the way they feel but, damnit! If you don’t like what OTHER people are doing (aside from hurting others in some way), there is a simple solution; MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
I just think that the world would be a much better place if we all worried more about loving one and other, as opposed to trying to find everyone’s flaws or make other people feel as if they are wrong about something, that doesn’t effect them in anyway.
And before you try and tell me that I am worrying about something that doesn’t effect me, myself…just shut up. Not only could (and has) racism effect(ed) me in other ways but, it effects me right here and right now because, I have a freaking heart. And it makes my freaking heart hurt.
I’m not here for an argument about the subject, either. I just truly need to let this emotion out. This is a long post so, if you disagree, you definitely didn’t have to read this far.
Rant over. Thanks for listening/reading, whatever.
“You may not see it today or tomorrow, but you will look back in a few years and be absolutely perplexed and awed by how every little thing added up and brought you somewhere wonderful- or where you always wanted to be. You will be grateful that things didn’t work out the way you once wanted them to.”
No matter what goes wrong, we just have to remember to stay thankful. Thankful that we have another day and thankful for all that, that day brings.
When I feel like I can’t catch a break, I just thank God for my support system (family & friends) and my growing family. I thank God everyday, for me not going at this life alone….At least I have my partner.
His problems are my problems and my problems are his. That’s the commitment we made to each other. And while some may look at that as, extra problems…I look at it, as a promise that, I’ll never have to face my problems alone.
"Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which a person is excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity, mentally unable to see the destructive damage they are causing to themselves and to others in the process."